Marth Can't Get a Girlfriend
by SixFoldDimension
Summary: Marth wants to prove that he is one-hundred percent NOT gay by getting a girlfriend. With a pyromaniac, pink blob, and box-addicted reptile on his side, how could he possibly fail? *Warning: Girly!Marth*
1. Great Friends

_**Marth Can't Get a Girlfriend**_

_Marth can't get a girlfriend. He doesn't know why. Could it possibly be that he looks girly, acts girly, and is girlier than every girl in the Smash Mansion? Marth doesn't know, but he is determined to find his girl; with a pyromaniac, pink blob, and box-addicted reptile on his side, how could he possibly fail?_

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Super Smash Brothers.

* * *

Marth was sitting crossed-legged on his bed, daintily flipping the pages of his new novel. A shimmering, pink cloth laid only inches from his right hand. His face was tear-stained and bright red. Marth sniffed, reaching out and dabbing the corners of his eyes with his hankie.

"_W-what a sad ending!"_ thought Marth, slowly closing his story book. His book was titled Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare. The cover featured a lightly-sketched lavender illustration of a young couple kissing. _"But why!? Why couldn't they both live!? That's not fair! I… I--"_

Fresh tears burst forth from the Altean prince. Marth flopped head-first on his bed, burrowing his face in a pillow whilst sobbing hysterically.

"What the heck…?"

Roy peeked his head through Marth's room, his flaming red hair hanging freely above his eyes and face etched with a bewildered expression. He could see that Marth was bawling into his sheets; when he squinted, Roy spotted the romance book in Marth's hands. Shaking his head, the general stepped into the feminine Smasher's room.

"Marth, are you reading those girly novels again?" he questioned exasperatedly.

"They are _not_ girly!" protested Marth, looking up and grasping the story tightly in his chest. "And that's none of your business!"

"Actually, it _is_ my business," said Roy, an angry vein popping out from his forehead. "When you read those stupid stories, you end up crying all night! Then _I_ can't get any sleep because _I_ happen to be your roommate!"

Marth paused, putting rubbing his chin in thought. "Well, that's _your_ fault because _you_ were the one who wanted to come here! No one invited you to Brawl, Roy-- _you_ came here _yourself_!" he stated smartly.

"Sh-shut up!" Roy hissed, his cheeks turning dusty pink. "At least _I'm_ not the one who's so gay that I can't ever get a girlfriend in my life!"

Roy glared, but Marth said nothing. The Altean only stared quietly at Roy with a blank expression. Seconds… minutes passed with eerie silence.

Roy blinked, thinking back to what he said. "Uh… um… sorry?" he added hastily.

Marth didn't reply, but a small frown formed on his expression. Then, from a small frown came a big frown, came a wobbly pout, came held-back tears, and finally came unheld-back tears.

"_Uh, oh…"_ Roy quickly covered his eyes and squeezed his eyes shut.

"WAAAAAAAAAH!"

Marth started crying again, this time shrieking at the top of his lungs and flinging his body against the floor.

"Sorry! SORRY!" shouted Roy, leaping away from the reach of Marth's tantrum. His apology only seemed to make Marth scream louder, however, and escalate the violence of his fit. "Marth! _Shut up!_"

Roy swiftly kicked Marth, nailing him on the head. Marth flew backwards, crashing into the wall.

"Roy! I hate you!" he wailed, stumbling on to his knees. "A-and my face hurts because of you! I'll never forgive you, you big, fat meanie-head!"

"Like I care," said Roy, sticking out his tongue. He started to skip outside, trying to get away as soon as possible.

Marth leered at the red-head, a creepy smile tugging at his lips. "So I'll never let you sleep in peace ever again! How's that?" he added, giggling uncontrollably.

Roy jerked his head around in horror. "No!" he said, sweating profusely. "'Kay, I got it! _You win! You win!_ Happy now?"

"No," Marth replied bluntly. "You have to help me."

Roy raised his right eyebrow. He _really_ didn't want to stay in the same room as Marth any longer. "Help you at _what_, exactly?"

"You have to help me get a girlfrien--"

"Alright!"

Roy darted out of the room, without letting Marth finish his sentence and without truly understanding what he was getting himself in. Marth blinked, getting up from his bed and on his feet.

"_That took faster than I thought it would,"_ Marth wondered. A smile broke out and tears of happiness welled in his eyes. _"Yay! I'm so happy! I luvs you, Roy!"_

Marth cheered silently and picked up his copy of Romeo and Juliet to return to the library. As he headed out the door, Marth couldn't stop thinking about Roy and his promise.

"_I know he'll help me!" _Marth thought again. _"Roy's such a good friend!"_

* * *

A/N: Yep. Roy is a good friend indeed. Soooo… what do you think? Chapter Two is coming soon!


	2. A Sweet Deal

**_A Sweet Deal_**

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Super Smash Brothers._

* * *

The eerie howling of the wind was dimmed down to a soft cry through the protection of the Smash Mansion's walls. Through a window in the hallway, Marth could vaguely see the trees leaning in all ways due to the inconsistent directions of the storm's power. The glass was blurry with splotches of rain, which kept replacing themselves one droplet after another.

Marth shivered, continuing down the hallway to the library.

"_Luckily, I'm here instead of outside,"_ Marth thought as he strode. _"I hate getting wet!… Hey, aren't the kids outside right now?"_

He briefly remembered a baseball flying through his window and miraculously nailing him in the head.

"_Yeah, they're outside," _he answered himself grimly. _"That's their problem. Getting wet is horrible… I usually end up getting sick with a fever for days… or at least my clothes are ruined… and worst of all, PRUNY FINGERS!"_

Yes, _pruny fingers_. Somehow, Marth always managed to get the skin on his finger tips to suck in each time his digits touched the rain.

Marth shuddered; unlike a fever, which could be reduced greatly be medicine, and ruined clothes, which could be purchased once more, pruny fingers went away only with time. He _hated_ looking at those ugly, wrinkly, clammy and puckered fingers.

"_Those kids… I wish pruny fingers on them all!"_

--

Marth scanned each shelf carefully, looking for a title or cover that stood out from the piles of books. Romeo and Juliet was returned quite a long time ago, but Marth still couldn't find another book to replace it yet.

"_History of the Nintendo 64... The Murderer Who Never Died… Cliché Stuff: Rubber Band Balls…"_ Marth frowned. None of the books appealed to him. Was he in the right section?…were these books even supposed to be in the same shelf?

"_Wait… forgot; there IS no sections,"_ he reminded himself grimly. For a long time, the library lacked in any organization what-so-ever. Nobody bothered to sort out the books in their rightful shelves, so they were simply crammed anywhere they could fit. (By anywhere, he means _anywhere_. Once, Wario had to go to 's office in order to get an encyclopedia out of his right ear.)

Marth sighed, slightly distraught. Why couldn't he just go to one shelf and find all the romance novels he wanted? Why did he have to look the entire library for one measly book? _Why… why couldn't a useful book about finding a girlfriend just fly at him right this second!?_

"Oomph!"

Marth groaned, a dull, bruise-like pain aching at his stomach. Something had hit him…

Opening one eye, he could tell it was a book. A pink book. A pink book lavishly decorated with flower and heart designs titled Get That Special Someone To Luv Ya' Today!.

Both of Marth's eyes snapped open in an instant. He charged forward, grabbing the book in his arms.

"This is perfect!" the Altean squealed, jumping up and down. "Except that I don't really have a 'special someone'-- just desperate-- it's almost perfect!"

"Yay, so I don't have to put it away then!" someone cheered.

Suddenly, Marth frowned. He turned his head to the source of the noise. Standing in the center of the library was Kirby, who was dusting off his hands.

"Did you throw this book at me?" Marth demanded.

"Yep," the pink blob answered. He didn't have a trace of guilt in the tone of his voice, which irritated the other smasher greatly.

"That hurt, Kirby," Marth growled. "Don't you ever think about where you're aiming?"

"Not really," Kirby answered, finished dusting his hands. He glanced up at Marth. "And I thought you liked the book. Shouldn't you be thanking me?"

"_Yes, but still!"_ Marth thought to himself. He quickly thought up of an excuse. "Well, if I _didn't _like the book, then what would you do?"

"That's a different situation," Kirby replied dismissively. "The fact is that you _do_ like the book, so I'm not in trouble for hurling it seventy-five miles-per-hour at your stomach."

"_Seventy-five miles per hour?" _Marth wondered. He shuddered, shaking his head. Still, Marth wasn't planning on losing an argument against the creampuff. He frantically started to think up of another excuse, failing badly. Thankfully for him, Kirby spoke up:

"But if you _didn't_ like the book, I would just run away and throw a baseball at your head, making you completely forget the incident!" he added, grinning madly. "Like earlier this morning, when we blew up all your shampoo; you were angry, but we threw a baseball at your head and you just forgot."

Marth blinked. "…What?" Kirby rolled his eyes and sighed, muttering 'nothing' under his breath.

Then the both of them said nothing. Marth shuffled his feet nervously, unsure of what to say. "Um…"

"My hands are pruny," Kirby interjected, glancing down at his pink, dried-up palms.

"That's horrible!" Marth cried. "Don't worry…" He suddenly broke off, remembering his shattered window and the evil baseball that left a bruise on his head. "…some other time! Right now, you can worry and cry all you want, Kirby! 'Cause I don't care about you…"

"Na', that's okay," said Kirby. "I mean, only wusses cry over pruny hands, right?"

Marth decided not to answer that question.

"Well…" he said, holding his book tightly in his arms, "I'll be going now. See you some other time, Kirby."

He turned his heel to walk away. After about two steps--

"STOP!"

Marth whipped his head around, alarmed. "What!?"

Kirby hopped forward to him, holding up a hand. "I have something to tell you."

Marth fell over, sweat dropping. "Don't scare me like that, Kirby," he mumbled.

Kirby didn't answer. "I have something to tell you," he repeated. "Two things that I think you might want to know."

Marth crawled to his feet, intrigued. "What kind of things? Tell me, Kirby."

"Not yet," Kirby replied, smiling mischievously. "There's a catch-- I'll tell you only if you give me your cookies at lunch."

"No way!" Marth cried automatically. "How do I know that you're not going to tell me something completely useless?"

"It's not," Kirby insisted. "Really. I think you'll like this information."

Kirby waited for his reply. Marth scratched his head, still uncertain. _"Should I? Is there anything I really need to know?"_ Marth asked himself. He looked at Kirby, who was smiling encouragingly at him. _"Well, Kirby isn't the one to lie… ah, what the heck, I'll take it."_

"…Fine," Marth finally agreed. Kirby cheered, spinning up and down. The Altean's left eye twitched indignantly. "Don't get too excited, or maybe I'll take it back."

Kirby immediately stopped. He cleared his throat, glancing up at Marth. "First thing; there's actually a cure to pruny fingers. Did you know that Peach has this cream thing that moisturizes skin to make them regular again? I think it works, 'cause Peach never has pruny fingers, 'ya know. I thought you might like to know this because I saw you crying over pruny fingers like a wuss last Tuesday."

Marth decided to ignore the last sentence. "Wow!" he gasped, astounded. "I knew I should've asked Peach for something earlier…" He grinned, looking back at Kirby with eagerness. "So, what's fact number two?"

"Secondly…" he went on, pointing at the book in Marth's hands, "that book is made for girls."

Marth started to frown. Slowly, he looked down at the book in his hands.

Surely enough, in the corner of the book, written in a large, yellow bubble-lettering read 'Girls Only!'. _"How did I not notice that before…?"_

He looked at Kirby, then back at the book. The smaller smasher wore a huge, deceptively innocent smile that stretched from ear-to-ear.

Marth's eyes started glowing a faint red, but Kirby didn't seem to notice. _"So he knew, huh? And he STILL chose to throw it at me? Grr… well I'm not letting him have the pleasure of knowing he tricked me…"_

"Actually, that isn't a problem," said Marth, looking at the pink blob calmly. "I know how to fix it."

Kirby raised an eyebrow. "You're getting a gender change?"

Marth twitched once, but quickly recovered. "No, I--"

"You're actually a girl?" Kirby interrupted, eyes widening. "I knew it! I'll go tel--"

"No!" roared Marth, his cheeks burning red. "I am a guy, 100 man AND straight! Got it?"

Kirby paused, a blank expression dawning his face. "You mean…you're not…gay?"

"KIRBY!" Marth was practically screaming at this point, steam streaming from his ears. "I frickin' have a WIFE in my own game, but nooooo, this retarded author apparently doesn't know that, so I'm just this _gay, stupid, PANSY_ in this story! You know, one day I'll plunk you in the Fire Emblem Fandom and beat you to a pulp, you ungrateful waste of space!"

Looooooooong pause.

"Uh…what exactly are you talking about, Marth?" Kirby inquired nervously, taking a couple of steps back. "Did you, like, take your meds today? And what do you mean, you have a wife?"

Marth covered his mouth, shocked. "I-I don't know, Kirby," he stuttered. "I've been like this for a while; I've been saying these insane things, like something in the back of my head tells me that it's true…"

"It's okay," answered Kirby, floating up to the Altean and patting his back. "Yeah, some other people have been saying these stupid things: You know, once I found Ike begging these 'readers' to review this story an 'author' wrote? It's weird, but most of us are used to it."

Marth sighed, relieved. _"So I haven't gone insane after all…"_

"Thanks, Kirby." He suddenly looked at the Star Warrior with a much more positive light.

"Uh, no problem," said Kirby. "Hey, before you started saying all that crazy stuff, what _were_ you going to do about the book?"

"What book? Oh…" Marth looked down at the parcel that was still sitting in his arms: sitting in his arms and still made for girls. "Well, I 'kinda thought that I could just change the gender-pronouns around so that it's referring the reader to a boy. You know, if it said 'Help him out' or something, I could just flip it and it'd say 'Help her out'. Get it?"

"Yeah…I do…" Kirby replied, shaking his head slowly. "Yeah, I see. Um, last question: Why do you want that book anyway? Do you like anyone? 'Cause I think all the girls are taken…guys too."

"I don't like guys," Marth said flatly, "and no, I don't have anyone in mind. Just…thinking."

"So you're desperate?"

"Yes," he answered. A wave of horror washed over Marth when he realized what had slipped his mouth. "I-I mean, no…I mean, kind of. Wait, NO."

"Marth is desperate," stated Kirby, smirking.

"Yes, I am," Marth agreed exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. He really didn't need to deal with the pink blob's long, annoying explanations right now.

"Why do you want a girlfriend so bad, anyway?" asked Kirby. "You didn't used to care that much."

"Because," Marth started, a vein bulging at the side of his head, "without one, people-- like you-- will think I'm gay."

"That's dumb," Kirby replied bluntly. "We'll just think you're gay in denial."

Marth sighed and shook his head. "Yeah, thanks for the advice, Kirby. See you later."

He headed to the door again, taking fast and unusually long steps. _"Left, right, left, right, faster, Marth, faster! Before…"_

"Wait!"

"…_Kirby calls again."_ Marth halted, turning around slow as ever. He didn't want to listen to the Star Warrior any longer; a little because he never had something nice to say, and a little bit more because he knew that the pink blob was always right. _"Maybe…if I make a break for it…I'm faster than that creampuff, right?"_

"Maybe I can help you."

"_Okay, I'll try to outrun him…on a count of three-- wait, what?"_

"Er, say that again," said Marth dumbly.

"Maybe I can help you," repeated Kirby, hobbling up to Marth. "I can help you a lot, Marth. Really. Imagine: The girls in the Smash Mansion adore me, ('cause everyone loves a pink creampuff) so I can maybe get them to date you or something. Plus, I'm smarter than you," Marth would never admit, but he agreed thoroughly "so I could help you make plans; if you're really that desperate."

Marth nodded his head slowly as Kirby went on. Suddenly, a thought hit him. _"I know where this is going…"_ "So, what's the catch?" he asked suspiciously.

Kirby jerked his head up, feigning surprise. "I never said that there was a catch, Marth! Did you really think that I would expect something in return for doing a good deed?"

Marth stared down at Kirby. "Yes," he said flatly.

"I would never!" Kirby gasped, tumbling back. "I'm not gonna' make someone unfortunate and pathetic as you pay for my services! Marth, honestly: what kind of person do you think I am?"

"I'm not going to accept until you tell me the catch," he repeat, his voice unflagging.

Kirby blinked innocently at the Altean a couple of times. Marth rolled his eyes.

"I get your cookies at lunch for a month straight," Kirby said finally, grinning.

The Altean sighed. _"How did I know that it was going to include food…?" _But the offer wasn't horrible. He thought about it: true, Kirby could help him out quite a bit, and Kirby was one to keep his word so he didn't have to worry about the Star Warrior running off as soon as he got his cookies. At his state, he would be needing all the help he could get. But still, Marth wasn't eager to give up his cookies; Game-and-Watch usually made horrible food, but the one thing he couldn't ruin turned out to be the best in the town: cookies. The thought of giving up his cookies and still having a reputation as the 'gay smasher'… it was all too horrible. After all, how much could Kirby help? Couldn't he do this himself? No, he didn't need the pink blob's help; he could get a girlfriend all by himself, _and_ he could keep his cookies…

Marth nodded, silently agreeing to himself. Kirby's grin dropped slightly. As if he could read the prince's mind, he interjected: "Marth, you really _do_ need all the help you can get."

Snapped out of his thoughts, Marth turned back to the gluttonous smasher. "What do you mean, you don't think I can do this by myself?"

"Well, Marth, honestly…" Kirby began, shuffling back and forth, "no, I don't think you can. And you don't think you can, either. If you could, wouldn't you have gotten a girlfriend a long time ago?" Marth frowned, but he had to agree. "Don't put yourself up for tasks you can't complete; it'll only hurt you later. Seriously, I have some good connections with a lot of girls in Smash Ville; if you don't want my help, go ahead; but you're not gonna' get an offer like this again. What does a measly month of cookies compare to not having people call you gay for the rest of your life?"

"_They don't compare," _Marth answered silently. Kirby had a point there. Everything he had said sounded so…convincing, like an advertisement. But like an advertisement, he knew Kirby had a way of making small things sound big and could easily be cutting out important details. Giving the smasher a side-ways glance (Kirby still wore a huge, commercial-worthy smile), Marth knew he should diffidently think things thoroughly before he answered.

"Let me check if there's any loop holes in this deal of yours," he told Kirby suspiciously, turning his back to the clever Star Warrior and taking a seat on the library floor.

"Go ahead! Take your time," he replied, still cheerful and confident as ever.

Marth sat, thinking things through over and over, making sure that he hadn't skip anything. Time passed, but he couldn't grasp a reason not to trust Kirby. He concluded: _"If Kirby turns out to be__ no help, I'm sure I could get rid of the deal and have the rest of this month's cookies." _The Altean shook his head in agreement. He got up, turning around.

Kirby was still standing, his hands behind his back and the smile still plastered on his face (_"That's just too weird…" _Marth thought, twitching once.). "Well? Have we got ourselves a deal?"

"Yeah," Marth answered, suddenly rather hesitant again. Kirby leaped and cheered, but Marth quickly added: "But if I decide you're not helping me enough, I get to end this deal at any time."

Kirby paused, floating back to the floor, tapping his chin. "Okay, I agree: but you're only allowed to decline it if it's truly because I'm not helping you enough, no other reasons," he said.

"Alright." Marth picked up his book and headed out, unsure of why Kirby had to add that last part; after all, what other reasons did he have to leaving the deal?

Just don't think about it, Marth decided as he continued into the hallways and into his room. Sometimes, when you thought about the reasons why Kirby did things too much, you'll end up confusing yourself. He had learned that from last year's Melee.

Flopping down on his bed and pushing his silky, azure bangs aside, Marth wondered if he had done the right thing.

"_Is this really turning out for the best?" _he wondered. It took one second to remember all of Kirby's good points: he was honest (it was usually a good thing), he kept his promises, and he was clever and deceptive (which would work out just fine, as long as these traits weren't used against him). Clever and deceptive could get him a long way in finding what he needed.

A reassuring feeling diffused throughout his body; things _were_ turning out for the best, he was sure of it.

With a smile on his face, Marth crept into bed. He was asleep before he knew it.

--

"**WzzZzEeeKkK!!" **the speakers screeched. All the smashers cringed, but they kept their ears open. **"SORRY ABOUT THAT," **Master Hand's voice rung out. **"AHEM! WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THIS WEEK: IT'S DOUBLE-TIMES-THE-COOKIES MONTH, THANKS TO GAME-AND-WATCH, WHO WAS WILLING TO OFFER SOME OF HIS TIME TO BAKE HIS OUTSTANDING COOKIES."**

The smashers cheered, some of them clapping Game-and-Watch on the back and thanking him.

"**AS AN ADDITIONAL NOTICE ALONG WITH THE EXTRA COOKIES, WE WANT TO INFORM YOU ALL THAT YOU DO ****NOT****, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BREAK INTO MY OFFICE TO FIND OUT ABOUT ANY FUTURE EVENTS; KIRBY, THAT MEANS YOU! WE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT ANY EVENTS WE HAVE IN STORE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, SO THERE SHOULD BE NO REASON WHY ANYONE WOULD BREAK INTO THE EVENT CABINET. IF WE CATCH ANYONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE TRYING TO FIND OUT ABOUT EVENTS AHEAD OF TIME, I WILL PERSONALLY PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR ACTIONS. THAT IS ALL; HAVE A NICE DAY!"**

With another set of screeches, the speaker turned off.

A fluffy, pink smasher floated along side Kirby, who did not show any signs of guilt from hearing the second notice. "How come you broke into the Event Cabinet again?" Jigglypuff asked, blinking. "They tell us the event later anyways, Kirby!"

"I know, I know…" he answered, grinning. "There's reasons I do that. Before the announcement, only you and me knew about the Cookie Event, right?"

"Right…" Jigglypuff answered, still confused.

Kirby shook his head. "Having a little more information than others can go a long way, Jiggly. Maybe I'll teach you how to use it some time. _Marth_ certainly use this bit of info," he added with an air of pride.

"Marth?"

Jigglypuff wanted to ask more, but Kirby headed towards the hallway. "I'm going to wake up Marth. He owes me some cookies. You can go ahead to dinner; I'll catch up."

He sped away, leaving Jigglypuff confused. "Why Marth? Ah, why not…"

She walked to the cafeteria with everyone else. The delicious scent of chocolate chip, sugar and oatmeal-raisin cookies wafted into the atmosphere; Jigglypuff sighed, breathing in the scent and feeling slightly bad for Marth-- while she knew she would get double (or maybe triple, if Kirby felt like sharing) the amount of cookies this month, she could also guess a certain Altean wouldn't be getting any at all.

Poor Marth. If only he had thought things through.

* * *

A/N: Yep, that took forever to update. Sorry about that ; I'm liking where this story's going, though, so I'm going to try to perhaps update chapter three sooner.

Note: Girly!Marth will continue to be Girly!Marth throughout most of this story: if Girly!Marth offends you in any way, then I'm sorry, but I will do nothing to change it.


End file.
